


Monster

by PailetteHazel



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Homophobia, Mention of inprisonment, Mention of wounds, deceit mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-10-15 12:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17528744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PailetteHazel/pseuds/PailetteHazel
Summary: “I’m guessing that I’ve grown horns,I guess I’m human no more.I can tell I’ve rotten in your brain”- Monster, DodieThomas is feeling bad, Roman is unavailable. Virgil sinks down into the subconsious and discovers the truth about what Thomas has repressed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this story for quite some time, with the first inspirations based on the live, unreleased version of Monster. Enjoy!

Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic

Thomas nervously ticked his fingers against the keyboard of his laptop. He was supposed to brainstorm some ideas for future video’s, but.. nothing came up. His thoughts kept circling back to the family dinner on Christmas. The whole extended family had been there, including some from the south he had not seen in years. They didn’t know he was gay, and had made some nasty- 

Thomas made a fist as he stopped his train of thought. He had dealt with homophobia before, why was this bothering him so much? Or perhaps he was just tired. The youtuber realised he had gotten a headache from staring at this empty file, so he closed his laptop and made his way upstairs to go to sleep early. 

Virgil looked up as Patton rose into the common room of the mindspace. "How is he?" He asked the fatherly figure, and Patton sighed, before putting on a positive smile. "Roman got some nasty bruises from yesterday, but I'll take care of him, and he should be back being his princely self in no time!" 

Virgil nodded and closed his phone. It had been a busy Christmas week, and Roman had announced he sensed a "disturbance" in the subconscious and said something was harming Thomas. Well, turns out he'd been right. Unfortunately.

Virgil remembered that within a few hours, the prince returned, bruised and exhausted. He'd collapsed and Patton had brought the creative side to his room immediately.

"Is he awake yet?" Logan asked from his position on the couch. "Whatever is plaguing Thomas, it hasn't been solved yet. This could escalate if we don't take any measures." Patton shaked his head. "Ro is in no state to go back down there again." 

"I could go." Virgil put his phone away. Logan turned to him. "What do you mean?" "Kiddo, that's really dangerous!" Patton said concerned. The anxious side shrugged. "We have to protect Thomas. And I used to spend most of my time there, so I know my way around." The other two looked at each other: Virgil's past was rarely brought up, but he was right. "Will you be very careful?" Patton asked, and Virgil shot him a confident grin. "I'll be back in time for dinner Pat, you'll see." "Be safe." Logan added, and Virgil saluted them as he quickly sunk down. Down, down, into the subconscious, the underground of Thomas's mindspace.


	2. Chapter 2

The anxious side took a deep breath and blinked a few times. Darkness. It had been a while since he had been “hidden” and he'd almost forgotten how dark it was. How cold. How.. empty. Here was where Deceit had-   
He shaked his head. No time for bad memories. There were other things that needed to be done. He could sense it now too, somewhere in his head: some lingering, stinging thoughts of Thomas, trying to get to the surface, the concious mind. Virgil took another deep breath and focused on their location, to teleport there.

Virgil opened his eyes slowly, and regonised the vague contours of the stairs, the couch, the tv- wait. He was in a room. But which one? He'd been in the rooms of most of the other sides before, but most of them weren't so dark.. The anxious side glanced at the long dark greenish curtains from the ceiling, and the several lit candles that strangely, gave Virgil a sense of calm and serenity. He walked carefully across, looking at the gold plated ornaments placed here and there. Decorated with gems that shimmered in the low light.

"Who is there?!" A booming voice caught Virgil of guard and he stumbled back, quickly turning towards the source. In the dark, he saw a humanoid silhouette, but with curved horns protruding from its head. With his heart pounding in his chest, Virgil stepped back again and tried to make himself smaller. 

The figure stepped into the light and Virgil noticed suddenly that they had a feminine appearance- unlike the other sides, unlike anyone in the mindscape. His breath caught in his throat as she noticed him, ducked away in a corner with his arms protectively raised. 

"Who are you?" She said aggressively. "Get out of my room!"   
"Alright, alright, I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break in like this.." As the anxious side looked up at her, the woman's face changed from anger to.. regonision? "Anxiety... It's you, isn't it?" Virgil blinked, and saw her face was very much like Thomas's- just more feminine. Just like the other sides. "What?" He muttered in confusion.

The woman stopped, concern on her face. "You don't remember me, do you?" Before he could react, she shook her head. " I can't blame you, you were still very young when everything happened. But I'm surprised... Morality still hasn't told you anything about me, brother?"

"Wait, wait, wait. What the hell are you talking about?" Virgil said, still slightly on edge. She looked at him tenderly. "We both developed from Morality. You could say we are his offspring- therefore, we are siblings. But-" she took a deep breath. "It seems that he has hidden everything about my existence, has he?" Virgil looked at her with big eyes. "What? Are you saying that-" She crossed her arms. "He has been lying to you, Anxiety- they all have." A shimmer in her eyes. "They called me a monster, and locked me up to rot here!" 

She turned away from him, and Virgil's thoughts were going wild. "Wait-" He said, stepping closer again. "They would never hide something this- this big for me, they're not cruel! It's not true!"

She shivered, spun around and hissed. "One day, Anxiety, it took them one day to decide to put me here, to make Thomas rebel against himself. It took them one day to label me as a monster, and so a monster I became." She raised her hand and traced one of the horns emerging from her head. She continued, softer. "I only tried to protect him, Anxiety. Nobody listened." The words stung Virgil. It was like he heard his past self talk...

He exhaled softly: there must be more to this story. "My name is Virgil. What's yours?" "Oh, does everyone call you that too, Virgil?" She said bitterly but careful, as if tasting the name on her tongue. "Nobody has asked my name before.." Virgil showed a small smile, hoping it'd encourage her. A moment of thought, until she spoke again. "Christine."


	3. Chapter 3

Christine’s long red dress and dark cape swirled over the floor, as she gestured to the couch, inviting Virgil. The side regonised it vaguely as Thomas’s, yet this one had dark green and crimson linnen draped over it, giving the furniture a regal look. Roman would love it, he thought to himself, and as the prince crossed his mind, Virgil reminded the reason why he had come down here in the first place. 

“The thoughts came from here.” He muttered to himself, and looked at Christine again. “Thomas is feeling bad, and Roman got down here earlier to find the cause, do you know what it is?” He noticed the shimmer, the fiery emotion in her eyes had returned. “Roman?” She balled her fist, spitting the prince’s name. “So that is what he calls himself now? And he probably has made himself out to be the hero.” She turned to Virgil again. “Listen to me, the only thing Creativiy had to fight is me. I’m growing stronger, and one day he will have to face me again, and then he will pay for what he has done.” 

Before Virgil could realise what she meant, Christine pulled her hair back and revealed a red, softly glowing collar around her neck. "Creativity thinks he's the ruler of the subconscious, but there are things down here that he can never control."  
Virgil's eyes widened. Did Roman really.. keep Christine prisoner here? "Oh my god." He muttered. "I.. I had no idea Roman would do something like that." The horned lady sighed. "He doesn’t care when you're seen as the bad guy. You, of all sides, would know that Virgil." 

Virgil shivered. Was it true? Had the others really treated, no, abused another side like that? He took a deep breath, and made eye contact with the woman. "Christine, that's terrible, and cruel. It should never have happened. You're a part of Thomas, just like me, just like the other sides!" 

Christine showed an uncertain smile. "Thank you Virgil.. I'm so glad you haven't been corrupted like the rest of them." She raised herself, and took Virgil's hands tightly. Virgil flinched, but recovered quickly when he noticed the shimmer of tears in Christine's eyes. "Will you really help me, so that Thomas will listen to me once again?" "I- I promise.." Virgil stuttered, and shot her a smile. "Thank you, thank you! Oh, poor Thomas must have been let astray without my guidance!"   
Virgil gulped, and didn't tell her that Thomas was doing pretty well, actually- but then again, wouldn't he benefit from listening to all sides? 

He quickly freed himself from her grasp before she could swirl him across the room. "Okay, you're welcome. I'll try to break that collar and help you to cross into the conscious." She nodded quickly and presented her open neck.

Virgil consentrated on his fingertips, where a purple spark appeared. Pure adrenaline. It was risky, it could give Thomas a panic attack, but the anxious side was determined to get Christine out of here. A quick zap, and the magic collar turned to dust. She sighed in relief, and gratefully took Virgil's hand to join him. The two of them rose up out of the subconscious.


	4. Chapter 4

Thomas couldn’t sleep. He felt anxious, but couldn’t pinpoint it, couldn’t name the thing that was on the tip of his tongue. He raised himself and went through his hair. Had he been doing something wrong? Yes, very wrong, his thoughts helpfully supplied. What if you were wrong all along? 

Thomas groaned, seeing the faces of his relatives again, criticizing politics and referencing verses- verses. He pulled his blanket back. Where was his old bible?

Christine and Virgil appeared in an empty living room: it was much later than Virgil had thought, apperantly he’d been in the subconscious all afternoon and the others had already gone to sleep. 

Christine clapped her hands together, slightly overwhelmed at the return of her former abilities: influence on Thomas. In this lighter room, she seemed very out of place with her horns and her long dress, and her eyes which were surrounded by scales- Something tightened in Virgil’s stomach as she turned to the anxious side again. “Thank you, Anxiety-“ she said, in a sweet tone. “For restoring my rightful place in the mindscape. Poor Thomas needs guidance after all these years of wandering.” 

Virgil opened his mouth, but didn’t know what to say, so he shrugged. Who knew. Thomas had been feeling bad, maybe Christine knew how to solve it?

Thomas sat back down on his bed, guiltily swiping the dust of his bible and then opened it. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus... Leviticus 18, verse 22. 

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

He felt a wave of nausea coming up. What has he been doing? He took a deep breath, and his eye caught the rainbow flag that he had once proudly pinned to the wall of his bedroom. Its colors looked dull and disrespectful in the low light of his bedside lamp. Thomas put his bible aside and stood up, walked towards it and took a fistful of the fabric. Sinner, echoed in his thoughts. With a sharp tug, the flag fluttered down to the ground.

“WAIT, WAIT, STOP! What are you doing!?” Virgil had felt a huge spike of anxiety and realised that maybe, he had been wrong, very wrong. Christine looked at him in confusion, and at that same moment the three light sides stumbled into the living room. 

Patton gasped and froze, Roman squinted his eyes and summoned his sword. Logan was the only one with a confused expression on his face. “Virgil? Who is this.. lady?” 

Christine swiftly turned around to face them, and stepped back. Virgil protectively stepped in front of her. “I found her, locked up in the subconscious for who knows how long. I can’t believe you guys have kept this from me! No wonder Thomas is feeling bad, if he suppressed part of himself!” 

“Virgil, step away from the Dragon Witch!” Roman stepped forward with his sword raised towards the woman. “You don't belong here, you are only doing Thomas harm!”

The dragon witch.. Virgil glanced back and forth, remembering the many tales Roman had told in the past with them as antagonist. So it hadn’t just been a figment of the imagination? “She’s a side!” He bit back, standing his ground. “Have you ever listened to her? Or do you just assume, like you assumed I was the bad guy??”

A silence fell over the room, filled with tension. Just as Virgil wanted to ask what happened to Christine, he felt a familiar sensation. A tugging at his core. The Host was summoning them.


	5. Chapter 5

Thomas stood in the middle of his bedroom, the discarded flag still in his hands. The urge to rip it to pieces had come and gone, but he’d taken a deep breath. He was lost, to be honest. And whenever he had a dilemma he couldn’t solve, a talk to his own personality usually cleared things up again. 

But Thomas, as big as his imagination was, could never have predicted that there would be another figure, rising up alongside the other four. Thomas quickly set a few steps back from the.. horned lady?? 

Roman dematerialized his sword. Logan coughed. “It seems Virgil has found the source of your unrest, Thomas.” “I see that.” Thomas replied, his eye caught by Christine’s sharp horns. “Who are you, exactly?” My name is Christine.” The woman replied. “Okay, but, what..side are you? What do you do?” Virgil cursed under his breath: why didn’t he think of that before bringing her back up?” But Christine remained silent, as if she didn’t know it herself. Then Patton spoke up.

“Christine.. she’s not a side. Not really.” Morality fitgeted with his cardigan sleeves. “I.. believe I owe everyone an explanation, don’t I.” Roman nodded slowly. Virgil took a deep breath and pulled up his sleeves to make sweater paws. A part of him desperately wanted to know what happened, but another part was scared that he wouldn’t look at the fatherly side the same way ever again...

“Thomas, do you remember when you started high school?” Patton turned to the host. “You were just a teenager who suddenly got school tasks, responsibilities and your personal discovery to worry about. The nervousness and stress became too much for just one side to handle, and so Anxiety emerged to fill that spot.” A soft smile appeared on Patton’s face, only to disappear quickly. “You denied it at first, saw Anxiety as a bad thing, and Virgil became a dark side. I was the only one who actually knew where he came from.”

The others listened silently. Virgil gulped. It made sense, of course. Only after Thomas had made steps to deal with and accept his fears, had he shifted to the consious, ‘light’ side of the mind. The anxious side cast a glance at Roman, but the prince avoided eye contact. 

“Christine is.. a different story.” Patton continued. “Thomas, do you remember how you felt when you first discovered you might be gay?” Thomas looked down at the rainbow flag in his hand. He put it on his bed behind him and nodded slowly. “I.. I remember that I didn’t make such a big deal about it. There was a lot of stuff back then I was busy with, and I just quickly accepted it and moved on.” 

Patton shot him an uneasy glance. “Not really, Kiddo. You see, there were a lot of worries and doubts you had about the subject, so much conflicting thoughts about what being gay exactly meant, and if it was the right thing to do. But you were already so busy, I choose to.. not bring it up.” Logan frowned, from the other side of the room. “So.. you lied about your feelings to spare Thomas?” 

“For a short time, yes. But the questions kept coming back, and they became worse. So I made a stupid decision- I tried to force what had happened with Anxiety, not much earlier-“ Patton uncomfortably rubbed his arm. “I had denied the negativity so much that Thomas’ mindscape didn’t regonise it as part of him anymore. They became a different gender altogether.” Virgil saw Christine silently listen to her orgins. “But then?” The anxious side said. “You just..abandoned her?”

Patton sniffled, taking off his glasses. “I’m..i’m sorry.” Roman took the word. “One night Padre approached me, asking me to help him. He asked me to hide her in the subconscious, so she wouldn’t hurt Thomas... And so I did. I... locked her in her room, and every day it became easier to fight her.” The creative side admitted shamefully. “Because every day she changed, looking more like a monster.”


	6. Chapter 6

“But I’m not a monster!” Christine spoke up, her voice unstable with emotions. She sharply turned the host. “All I’ve ever wanted was to protect you, Thomas! Since you were just a boy, you were taught what is good, and what is sinful!” Thomas flinced at Christine’s words. 

"Thomas has found his identity, it's for the best." Logan wasn’t intimidated. "He's not a sinner if he is himself." Christine growled. "Pride is the root of all evil, Logic. Are you telling me you are so caught in your own delusions you think you can go against what is written in His word?!" 

You can't claim to love Him and hate others." Patton spoke up, turning Christine’s attention back to him. His voice was soft, loving. "The first and second most important rules, do you remember? Love Him, and Love others as you love yourself." He stepped forward. “And to love yourself, you have to accept yourself. Your entire Identity." Christine took a shakey breath but didn't respond. 

“I’m sorry.” Patton said. “I should never have done the things I did. And then pretend like nothing was wrong. I hurt all of you, I hurt Thomas and most of all, I hurt you, Christine.” 

“I’m sorry too.” Thomas muttered, carefully taking the rainbow flag back in his hands. “I should have given my quick acceptance a second thought. It’s such an important part of my life, I can’t just brush it off and pretend I won’t have doubts about how I decide to live this life.. and the next one.”

Christine was visibly shaking now, and a small sob escaped her. “...dad.” Patton opened his arms wide, and the woman dove into the loving embrace. “D-dad.. I don’t want to go to hell..” Patton softly petted her hair, between the horns. “You won’t, if I can do anything about it. It’s okay kiddo. Breathe.”

And she did. And she calmed down. The former dragon witch turned her head a bit, casting a glance towards the anxious side who had been staring in bewilderment. “Thank you, Virgil.” Christine said softly, and Virgil nodded that she was welcome.

Then, a bright light shone from the two hugging sides, and everyone else flinched away from it, keeping their arms for their eyes to try and shield them. When the light dissapeared, Virgil looked again: Patton was embracing an empty spot, Christine was gone.


End file.
